We Would Make Our Pilgrimage to that Place

This was a poem sent to me by my brother Bill. It's amazing and I cried, laughed and just fell in love with it because it describes our grandparents. I miss those days so much! Hope you all enjoy!

We would make our pilgrimage to that place
Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving
We would be welcomed with a warm embrace
By arms of age and full of living
When entering that comfy, humble abode
Baking granny’s rolls entered my nose
Or ripe peaches resting on the buffet
That grandpa had picked that day
The smoke from his own rolled cigarettes
Greeted you with a smile from the front step
Sitting on a metal folding chair
Prince Albert slowly dancing in the air
There was time before we ate
To wander round to the garden gate
Or watch the daredevil cousins spin
On vortexes of fear and adrenaline
The old branch would creak and groan
As little hands clutched with all they could loan
To that old tire dangling on a rope
Not to be thrown was the dreadful hope
At times my hands would be dyed
Stained by the juicy mulberry hedge
I would pluck, eat, and hide
As I gazed across to the cow shed
Watching the Bessie flick the flies
Chew her cud and eat pulled weed
Out of little hands with wide eyes
Not always minding Grandpa’s heed
Beyond the cow yard was heaven on earth
Bless grandparents and their farm hands
A castle of alfalfa for this lowly serf
We would climb to the top and guard the lands
It overlooked yards of cow and swine
It wasn’t possible for grandpa to keep us off
That wonderland of dried vegetation and twine
Outside was good, but inside was food
The best one could dream of
Granny knew the best ingredients
Her hands, her heart, her love
Grab a plate of chicken and dumplings
Finding a bone will make you wink
Use the hot roll to sop it up
A glass of sweet tea to drink
Top it off with, uh, I can’t decide
Mayonnaise cake? Mulberry cobbler? Custard Pie?
Sure, all three will do
Because Granny surely loves you
To know now, we not only ate the flour
The butter, the sugar, the eggs
We also ate work of hour after hour
Long days of labor on tired feet and legs
Their sweat quenched our thirst
And their patience and laughter fed our souls
Their discipline made us think first
Leaving in our characters no room for holes
We made a pilgrimage to that place
Several times a year
We would savor that warm embrace
Knowing love and no fear

The Climb

Okay, so if you know me at all, you know that there are times I tend to be a dork of sorts. And this is one of those times. Now you need to remember this: I have an eight year old daughter...think about that for a second...who do many eight year old girls admire the most in the world right now? I'll give you a clue. My husband and I were in the grocery store this morning and saw an entire display of shampoo, conditioner, body wash, toothpaste, and nail polish with guess who on it? I'm sure that unless you've crawled under a rock you know who I'm talking about...Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus! So needless to say, Miley has sort of been forced on our family of four by one...my eight year old daughter. But let me tell you, as I've listened to her numerous songs, and seen her new movie and watched my daughter admire her, I have one prayer for Miley: that she remains the girl who has millions of young girls looking up to her, and always remembers where she came from and the values that she currently has. In one of her most recent songs, I was quickly drawn to it. The beat was good, it has a softer, slightly country twang going on in it. But then something happened to me recently that made me absolutely fall in love with it's lyrics.

If you know me well at all, you know that I'm going into ministry, and more specifically am seeking ordination for elder in the United Methodist Church. Now before I started this process (and boy what a process it is) I never knew hat all that entailed. First of all, there you have to have a bachelor degree in something. Then you have to take a spiritual gifts test, receive a mentor, go through this long book discerning your call to ministry, be approved by one board after another, take a psychological exam, be examined by a psychiatrist, have a physical, go to seminary (or course of study, but I'm doing seminary) be approved by more boards, write answers to the same questions over and over again...

This is a brief description...it's much more work than anyone would ever dream...you literally have to climb and climb and climb, and fall, and climb, and think it might not be worth it, and fall and climb and fall again, and climb...

But last Wednesday I received a phone call. A phone call I've been waiting on very anxiously for a couple of months now. It was my wonderful District Superintendent Cheryl Jefferson Bell, calling to tell me that she had a possible church for me. I was so thrilled, I didn't even care what church it was! But the more she began describing it, the more excited I got! It sounds like it will fit me me to a "T"! The church is Greenwich United Methodist Church, in Wichita, KS. It is a 20 to 25 member church, in the most adorable building in the middle of the country. It reminds me so much of home, it makes me want to cry and smile at the same time. I've met two people in the congregation and they are wonderful people and seem genuinely excited to have a young female pastor and her family join them at their church.

But my excitedness couldn't overwhelm me quite then. I still had to be approved by one more board, the Board of Ordained Ministry to be a Local Licensed Pastor. I was so nervous about that interview, but of course was overly nervous. It wasn't exactly a breeze, but it was comfortable and encouraging and uplifting. I've been so blessed in that my experience through this process has been long and confusing at times, but I've always felt uplifted and encouraged. I know others who haven't had that same blessing and pray that someday that will change.

So what does that have to do with Miley Cyrus's song lyrics? Well, read them below:

"I can almost see it
That dream I am dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head saying
"You'll never reach it"

Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking

I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going

And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on

Keep on moving, keep climbing
Keep the faith, baby
It's all about, it's all about the climb
Keep the faith, keep your faith, whoa!"

~Miley Cyrus

There have been so many times I've had that little voice in my head saying "You'll never make it." I even wrote a final paper for Dr. Chris Kettler at Friends University, before graduating saying that I had no idea what I was doing, and wondered if I had imagined the whole thing...I'm so ashamed of that paper that I've recently been praying about contacting him and apologizing to him for it. This is a long process, and my faith has been shaken up, more than I can ever really reveal, but I've kept climbing, I've kept the faith and even though the climb is not over, and won't be for a while, the rewards along the way are so worth it. God has been with me the entire climb, whispering a bit louder than that other voice telling me, "You're going to make it, I'm right here!" And I know that I could not have done it without God's help.

So, now let me invite you to come visit me starting the first Sunday in July at Greenwich United Methodist Church, 5500 N. Greenwich Rd., Wichita, KS at 9:00 a.m, and help me keep climbing!

Blessings to you all,
Pastor Natalie K. Bryant

Breath of Heaven

So a few days ago I was driving in downtown Augusta, (yeah, I say that like it's a huge metropolis) to the postoffice to send back our Dark Knight DVD to Blockbuster.com (sorta like netflicks). I drove past a small church and happened to take notice of the sign out in front. It was one of those marquee signs where you have to go out and change the letters. Most of the time this time of year, you drive by church signs and it says something about "anticipation of Christ" or the normal "Merry Christmas," but this sign caught me entirely off guard. The sign said, "If you're not looking for Jesus, then he's not looking for you." I wanted to just start crying! What kind of message is that to share with people who don't know Christ?

This morning in Sunday School the children's memory verse was Luke 2.10 that says, "Do not be afraid, I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all people." I asked them, "What people?" And they shouted, "All people!" I asked, "What about the man who did something wrong and is in jail? Is it for him?" They shouted, "Yes!" "What about that cranky old neighbor across the street?" "Yes!" One of the boys asked, "What about Scrooge?" (our church is doing a production of Scrooge this weekend.) "Yes!" they shouted. Then I whispered, "What about the person who doesn't believe in Jesus?" They paused mid shout and you could see the wheels turning in their smart, precious little heads. But then as suddenly as they stopped all of them went ahead and shouted, "Yes!" They get it! These precious children read these words and they see "all people" and they know that it means everyone!

During worship we saw a video that talked about four little words that sum up what Christmas is: God is with us! So if that's true, if the Christ is for all people and Emmanuel means, God is with us, why is that church proclaiming that if we're not looking for Christ then Christ is not looking for us? I've found in my life time that the times I feel the most hurt, desperate and alone, and "not looking for Christ" are the times when I know that Christ is looking the hardest for me! Even before we know Him, he knows us! Every hair on our head! He knitted us together in our mother's womb, each and every person on earth! Why would he not always be actively pursuing each of us, even when we are not aware of Him?

Most Christian denominations talk about God's grace, but the most profound thoughts of grace I have heard is from the United Methodist Church, and is most of the reason I will never go to another denomination, because I believe so whole heartedly in this. John Wesley believes in three kinds of grace: Prevenient Grace, Justiying Grace and Sanctifying Grace. There is a definition for each one of these of course and those of you who are not United Methodists are just going to have look up the other two because the one I think that applies when it comes to this sign is Prevenient Grace. Prevenient Grace is grace that is bestowed on us before we are ever aware of God's action in our lives. It's been said that it's "God's wooing of us." His whispering in us, showing us that he's there before we ever even know it. I wholeheartedly and unabashadly proclaim that to tell people that Christ is not looking for them if they're not looking for Him is wrong. Because how would anyone really come to have a relationship with Christ, if He was not looking for us first? I don't know a single person who didn't have Christ knocking on their door before they knocked on his. The reason anyone begins to pursue a relationship with Christ is because He has first whispered in their ears, somehow nudging them, praying that they open their ears and hear Him.

This has been a tough semester for me. Most of my closest friends know the reasons for this. Twelve hours, working for two professors, and at church all the while commuting to and from Kansas City, while being a mother and wife...plus so many numerous other things has taken its toll. But I'm remembering, being renewed in the fact that I know that God's grace is extended to me. God is with me! Christ came to take away my sin, my mistakes, my everything, in order to save me. I've finally decided after months of suffering to turn things, yet again, over to Him. It's all I can do and more importantly, it's what He wants me to do. I was reminded today that the first thing they say in AA is that you can't do it by yourself, there is a power greater than yourself. I've been denying that I need His help, but this week, I admitted to myself and others that I'm not okay, I'm suffering and I need help, and it's amazing at how much peace I feel in my heart. I've decided to make the special song at worship today my prayer for awhile, and my lovely friend Raegan agreed with me. It goes something like this:

Breath of heaven,
Hold me together,
Be forever near me,
Breath of heaven.
Breath of heaven,
Lighten my darkness,
Pour over me your holiness,
For you are holy.
Breath of heaven.

Heavenly Father, please hold me together, lighten my darkness and remind me every second that you have extended your undeserved grace to me as your gift to me. Keep me strong and help me to help people to know that You are Holy! You are there for everyone and you are pursuing them persistantly and refuse to ever let them do it on their own whether they realize it or not. Amen.

Renewed by a Tornado!

Okay, I know, it's been over a month since I blogged...and a month since school got out...what can I say? I've been busier since school got out amazingly! And really nothing that I wanted to blog much on. But something amazing happened last night!

As I was watching TV with the kids, our DVR was interrupted during play of a movie with a tornado warning. So instantly I began watching the weather...good to know that the DVR stops to let you know if there's an emergency! The tornado sirens went off later and we holed up in the basement for awhile til we got an all clear. We were blessed that it was south of Augusta with no real threat...more a precaution than anything.

The tornado got me thinking about Greensburg, and how many people I used to know in Greensburg from a little Baptist church camp "Camp Christy," in Scott City, Kansas, that I went to for 3 years when I was in 5th, 6th and 7th grades! First of all, let me say, I loved camp. It was really the only place that I ever remember feeling utterly and totally accepted as a kid. Maybe that just proves exactly what a dork I actually was, but I fit in there, and didn't anywhere else. So anyway, then I started thinking about why I didn't try to contact anyone I knew after the Greensburg tornado to see if they were okay and that's when I remembered I didn't have facebook last year! So by chance I typed in Greensburg HS, year 1996 (yeah, I'm old) and out of the two people listed I knew one of them! It was a boy that I remember standing at the end of my grandma's driveway waiting on the mailman to deliver a letter from him! It's funny how clear that memory of him is!

Well, I added him as a friend and needless to say suprised him completely! But he remembered me! So anyway we began talking and caught up on who we are now. He thought about seminary for awhile, but decided to go into law instead thinking he could help more people that way, but the fact that both of us are still devoted to God is a true testimony in itself. But after a few hours of conversation, we both realized that God made sure we reconnected last night. He's gone through things the last few years that has made it hard to forgive some things...and when wondering if God even wants to hear from him anymore, my heart just cried out for him! I shared some of my struggles in forgiving others and how I've overcome it. I reminded him that God forgives us for our own sins, so he forgives others for theirs too. I reminded him of a God he had lost sight of for awhile. I have no doubt at all that God made sure we reconnected last night in order to renew his faith! And that is amazing to me! Sometimes I get so bogged down in the everyday of being in ministry and being a Christian, that I sometimes overlook the "miracles" of life. I got to see God at work last night and I'm renewed in my own faith once again!

Legacy Part II

Okay, I was told that I needed to update my Legacy blog. Shows you how small of a world it really is. So, while writing about legacy, Nichole Nordeman's song popped into my head. Well the last few weeks at my church the sermon series has been "One Month to Live" and it seems to be fitting in well to my whole legacy thought, in am I living well and will I die well. Last Wednesday after the children's program at church, the Sunday morning praise team began to practice their special for this last Sunday. It was Legacy, by Nichole Nordeman. I was talking to our Music Director about it and how I blogged on legacy, and my old professor Jim Smith told me I needed to update it. Apparently, Nichole had read "An Arrow Pointing to Heaven" the biography of Rich Mullins, and then wrote that song. That book was written by Jim Smith. So cool!! Small world and it shows how much things in our lives innertwine with one another. Blessings!

My prayer today...

...comes in the form of lyrics from a song that I love. I got a new CD a few weeks ago, it's not really new, released in 2003, but it's my new CD. And I've been listening to it over and over and over again on my wonderful much needed alone drives to Kansas City and even out to Western Kansas when I went to my uncle's funeral. The CD is Writing on the Wall by Jill Phillips. You talk about an amazing singer! Every song on the CD feels like God talking straight to my soul. This morning, well all week really I've just been in a weird place, and this morning the CD started on my prayer for the day:

Grand Design

"I knew it all along that this day was coming
Even though I knew it doesn't hurt any less
But somehow the suffering draws me to you
I could start running in anger
But then what's the point of a Savior

I feel the pain but it still doesn't change who You are
Nothing I feel is outside of the reach of Your arms
My whole world could crumble but all of the pieces remain
In Your hands that are waiting to put them together again

Just like I know You will in Your own time, in Your own wisdom
One day I'll look back and see the grand design
maybe it will make sense then these questions I have
But with it all here front and center
Sometimes it's hard to remember

I feel the pain but it still doesn't change who You are
Nothing I feel is outside of the reach of Your arms
My whole world could crumble but all of the pieces remain
In Your hands that are waiting to put them together again

I could start running in anger
But then what's the point of a Savior."

It just reminds me that there is hope...when things feel overwhelming, when everything feels like it's falling apart, our Savior is there to hold the pieces and put them back together, if we trust in him. And one day, I'll look back on this week and it will be a tiny little piece of my world that fits into it as a whole, and I'll wonder why I ever felt so overwhelmed by the stress of being in seminary, being a mother, being a wife, a friend, a pastor, a person...I have faith that I'll be okay and come out of all the struggles I'm experiencing, because I look back at my struggles I've already faced that were much, much worse and know that God put those pieces together, so if He can do that, He'll pull me through this too...so that's my prayer for today...

Legacy

Wow! It's been a hard week! And the sad thing is driving over a thousand miles is just the icing of it! My great uncle died on Sunday morning. I know you're probably thinking "great uncle, she didn't know him that well...distant family." But the thing is my family was not distant growing up. Uncle Jr. was there at every family get together, which I swear we probably had one every other week! Seems like we were always at Granny and Grandpa's for something or other. My family yesterday filled easily half of the church. It was amazing! This man was loved by not only his family though, but the whole community of Hugoton, Kansas. Jr. was my mom's dad's brother. My Grandpa and Granny had 4 daughters, I'm one of 10 grandkids...and there are now 13 great grandchildren, and there will be more, I'm absolutely sure of it. Then my great grandma "Mama" is still alive also...and at the age of 91 is as healthy as she was when I was a little girl...just doesn't remember who anyone is. I'm very blessed to have a family who grew up close, and that there are so many of us...cuz remember, those numbers above were just from my grandpa...there are so many cousins out there I don't think I can even begin to count them! And that's not even getting to my dad's side of the familly. And we all knew each other! Even after not seeing some of them for 10 years, we knew who we all were!

My question though, is where does that leave my children? They don't know my cousins...they don't know my cousins' kids. We all say, "well life is too busy." But what happens when my mom calls and it's not my great uncle...it's my grandpa, or my granny, or my Mama? It makes me want to change things...it makes me want to make getting the family together more a priority, but it's so hard when everyone lives all over the place instead of southwest Kansas anymore. What does it take to bring us back together, besides someone dying?

The pastor talked about the legacy that Uncle Jr. left. We were his legacy, his family, the community, the people that knew and loved him, the people who's lives he changed. I take some solice in the fact that even though I may not be close to my blood family, I do have people in my life I consider family. I consider the fact that the girls in Taylor's fifth grade class can come to me when they have problems shows that somehow, I'm leaving my own legacy...

I automatically think of the song Legacy by Nichole Nordeman...here are the lyrics:
"I don't mind if you've got something nice to say about me
And I enjoy an accolade like the rest
You could take my picture and hang it in a gallery
Of all who's who and so-n-so's that used to be the best
At such'n'such ... it wouldn't matter much

I won't lie, it feels alright to see your name in lights
We all need an 'Atta boy' or 'Atta girl'
But in the end I'd like to hang my hat on more besides
The temporary trappings of this world

I want to leave a legacy
How will they remember me?
Did I choose to love? Did I point to You enough
To make a mark on things?
I want to leave an offering
A child of mercy and grace who
blessed your name unapologetically
And leave that kind of legacy

I don't have to look too far or too long awhile
To make a lengthly list of all that I enjoy
It's an accumulating trinket and a treasure pile
Where moth and rust, thieves and such will soon enough destroy

Not well traveled, not well read, not well-to-do or well bred
Just want to hear instead, "Well Done" good and faithful one..."

What do you think? Does it matter that your kids know their entire family? Does it matter whether you leave a legacy for just your family, or is it enough to help a 5th grade girl who needs a cosmetic bag for girl stuff? Or that a 22 year old beautiful young lady that you babysat when she was 4 still claims that you were the best babysitter she ever had? Or that your little sister, who hasn't called you in a year, when she's having a baby four weeks early you drop everything, even exhaustion from driving, to go be with her, even though she didn't call you, just tell her you love her and miss her and are so glad that she's okay? It's okay to have some regrets...but it's more to make a difference from learning from those regrets.
That's the legacy I want to leave...

Promise of Spring

I love spring! Every morning the last two weeks, minus the few days I've been at Saint Paul, I run outside to see the grass slowly changing to that beautiful shade of emerald green, survey my hydrangeas I planted last year to make sure they will choose to grace us with their beautiful flowers for another year (because all winter I was sure they were just dead sticks poking out of the ground), to check the shoots of daffodils poking themselves through the soil...not sure that they want to trust the sun that is telling them it's okay to come on out...

Isn't that reflective of us, as Christians...wanting to trust the Son...wanting him there to guide us into a new world? But after all the mistakes we've made, all the sin that is in our hearts, not sure if we can totally trust that Christ can actually make sure we aren't going to freeze in that one more burst of arctic air.

I love the promise of spring though! It tells us, like my hydrangeas, that even as Christians, sometimes we begin to feel dead inside, again...but there is the promise that someday, as dead as our spirits might be feeling, that Christ is here to renew us and bring us back to life, to be beautiful and loved by not only Him but by everyone...

So enjoy this day...and the following, the promise of spring, the renewal of life and the resurrection of our Savior who brings the dead to life.